Me: How come Troy was so surprised when he finally got the bucket up and found that it contained only the sweater? Did he believe that Andy weighed only as much as a sweater? I don't understand Troy at all.
Eric: I want to know why Troy and his friends are hanging around a wishing well in the first place.
Me: Do wishing wells even exist? I mean, why would there be a well - with a bucket - as if for hauling water - on the grounds of the country club or whatever? I'm beginning to question the believability of this film.
Eric: And Chester Cobblepot DIED before he got to the wishing well?
Me: Right. I mean, either this wishing well is of preposterously recent vintage or somehow you have to get through a warren of tunnels and a gauntlet of deadly traps BEFORE you come to a spot barely beneath the surface where there is already an entrance into the tunnels? This wishing well is worse than the giant octopus and the unexplained BREAKAWAY MOUNTAIN SIDE.
Eric: Chester Cobblepot didn't think to see if there was another entrance to the lagoon where Willie's pirate ship might be located? Maybe check the giant caves right off the beach first? I'll accept that The Goonies are born explorers that need absolutely no training, because they have childlike innocence guiding their way, but The Fratellis made it there faster than the kids, and they were pretty dumb villains. I would like to go on record and say that Mr. Cobblepot was the worst explorer of all time.
Me: So he was crushed by one of the big falling stones, right?
Eric: Yeah - by one of the hanging rocks.
Me: But he was crushed by only one of them. When the Goonies tripped that booby trap, all the stones fell. Why?
Eric: Hahaha. Because One Eyed Willie, see, he had this plan. He was like "Look, guys, I know we have a problem with the hanging rock trap; it rumbles and it takes a while for the stones to fall or whatever, so what we'll do is, we'll have a second tripwire that makes them all fall and the first trip wire will just make the one fall, okay?"
Me: But how come he didn't get out of the way in time? Maybe he was hard of hearing?
Eric: He was just the WORST explore. The WORST.
Me: Did they know all along they were looking for a ship? I don't remember. But if they did, then why did they have to start looking so far inland for a SHIP?
Eric: The Goonies is the worst movie I love.
Me: Also, was it SUPPOSED to be in Oregon? I mean, what pirate would sail all the way around Cape Horn and up the entire Pacific Coast of what was a barely colonized America and STILL feel like he needed to kill all of his men and hide his treasure behind an elaborate series of traps. They didn't even have anywhere to spend the gold. What was the point of all of this? I mean, OREGON?
Eric: I know we almost fell to our deaths at the bone piano, but QUICK, jump into this fast moving water chute! I have no idea where it leads, but I am sure it must be safe.
Me: Ugh.
Eric: Plus, what's up with Data's dad's camera invention? It does nothing except extend the camera in front of you at waist level so that you can't look in the viewfinder? But then the film falls out when he tries to take a picture? How did he screw that invention up?
Me: Not to mention the rather insidious suggestion that all children are just smaller versions of their parents. Do any of them have personalities or body types in any way distinct from their parents when we finally get a look at the families? Including Troy?
Eric: How long did Chunk's parents drive around with that Domino's pizza in their car just in case they found their son?
Me: Pinchers of Power always bothered me. No way does that invention have the strength to hold the weight of a falling kid.
Eric: Pinchers of PERIL. Data has engineered his inventions that way. Those chattering teeth are much stronger than your average chattering teeth.
Me: Pinchers of PERIL? Huh? I always thought he was saying "Pinchers of POWER." Does this make me a racist? Anyway, it isn't the chomping strength of the teeth I take issue with, it is the tensile strength of the slinky (and its attachment to the teeth). They should do a Mythbusters.
Eric: The slinky was dipped in titanium. Also, was Troy's dad just following around the parents as they desperately looked for their missing children, just waiting for the opportunity to have them sign away their home the very moment they actually managed to find them?
Me: Exactly. And how hard would it really have been to get a speedboat or something to, you know, pull up alongside the 300 YEAR OLD PIRATE SHIP SLOWLY FLOATING AWAY and collect all the gold they are so sad to have missed out on carrying away?
Eric: Yeah, are they just going to let that boat float away?
Me: And why was it so well lit inside all those caves? Shouldn't it have been very very dark? Inside the CAVES?
Eric: There were holes at the top of the cave that no one had ever thought to look into, Jeff.
Me: Oh, and somehow Troy's dad is buying the WHOLE TOWN? Or all of these families just happened to get their mortgages from Troy's dad for some reason? And they all live right next to one another? Because if they live kind of scattered over the whole town, how is Troy's dad gonna build whatever he is building simply by getting rid of these five houses?
Eric: He is building a golf course.
Me: But, I mean, unless every single house that now sits on the proposed golf course grounds got their mortgage from Troy's dad AND are in default AT THE SAME TIME, how can he build a golf course by foreclosing on the Goonies' houses? And why can't they refinance with a bank? They seem to have jobs, all of them.
Eric: And they have money enough to hire help.
Me: And a handful of jewels is enough to pay off ALL OF THE MORTGAGES? I think this movie is significantly overvaluing precious stones. I dunno.
Eric: . . .
Me: And it was sure nice of One Eyed Willie to, you know, grow old and die alone in an unlit and unheated cave in OREGON after killing all of his men, and then, all those years later, have the wherewithal to - right at the moment he felt he would die - climb into that chair and affix the last booby trap to himself and then manage to not move during his actual death. DEDICATION: YOU HAS IT!
Eric: . . .
Me: And why were his pirate minions so willing to spend YEARS of their lives in OREGON, away from liquor and women and pirating, surrounded by gold they couldn't spend on anything and working REALLY HARD every day, you know, carving giant rocks and suspending them from the ceilings of caves, designing and perfecting bone pianos, and carving BY HAND water chutes? Why weren't they like "FUCK THIS, let's go be pirates somewhere"?
Eric: They believed that Willie had a plan that made sense, Jeff.
Me: Look, I get that Willie has a Midas complex or whatever, but all of his men were okay with moving permanently to the uninhabited coast of Oregon? They heard his plan to wall in the ship behind a TOTALLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM NATURE breakaway rock wall and they went "Yup. What else would we do? Just normal pirate stuff, this."
Eric: He was very charismatic, was Willie.
Me: And why even make the traps survivable at all? If no one is ever supposed to get and spend this money, why make the piano function at all? Why not make every note you play drop you to your death? Did Willie have to go back and forth to the cave using the bone piano? Where was he going? Did he have to go through ALL of these booby traps every time? Including crawling UP the water chutes?
Eric: No, he just walked out one of the holes in the top of the cave. Or he climbed out of the wishing well.
Me: Ugh.
Eric: Remember when they glued the David's penis on upside down? That was funny.
Me: Because boners.
Eric: Why does Mikey know that it is his mother's "favorite part"? That's kinda creepy.
Me: How do you think we are supposed to feel about Rosalita?
Eric: We aren't. She is just the housekeeper. the Goonies are losing their homes. Rosalita's job is to make sure they are clean before they are knocked down. Who cares about Rosalita?
Me: I just mean that she is clearly portrayed as stupid for believing the things Mouth tells her, so are we laughing AT her when Mouth lies to her? Because why? I thought that scene was supposed to set up the fact that Mouth knows Spanish and that he is an ass. So why does it seem to be about how stupid Rosalita is?
Eric: Right. Mouth is supposedly translating what Mikey's mother is saying, yet Rosalita doesn't quit even after she hears the terms of her employment. I think Rosalita is in a very desperate situation.
Me: Right? But I think the movie wants you to laugh AT HER. That's awful. Like, Mouth is an ass, but you are also an ass, The Goonies. And Mikey's mom is so rude to her, too. Let's make a movie where Rosalita is the only one smart enough to hire a speedboat to go out to the pirate ship.
Eric: Why is Rosalita so quick to stop Mikey's dad (who she, presumably, believes has a torture room) from signing away his house? She only worked for them for one day and they threatened to beat her.
Me: AND, look, I don't know much about salvage rights or the rights of those who find historical treasure, but I am pretty sure that the State of Oregon owns those jewels. I feel sure, at least, that Troy's dad and his lawyers would fight about that in court and that the Goonies' parents would go broke from lawyers bills before they eventually lost that case. I don't think these saps are keeping their homes after all.
Eric: This movie has more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire.
No comments:
Post a Comment