Here Are Four Quotes

"You are such a good drink, for a four o'clock drink."
                                -- Nadia Sirota, Violist, said to a Campari and Soda


"I don't think I go a day without accidentally eating an onion."
                                -- Eric Wing, Television Producer


"It is comforting to think that we can love so powerfully that fate itself wheels and turns at the command of our souls."
                                -- Roger Ebert, Film Critic (and the BEST)


"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
                                -- Lord Darlington, from Lady Windermere's Fan by Oscar Wilde

The Goonies "R" NOT Good Enough

Me: How come Troy was so surprised when he finally got the bucket up and found that it contained only the sweater? Did he believe that Andy weighed only as much as a sweater? I don't understand Troy at all.

Eric: I want to know why Troy and his friends are hanging around a wishing well in the first place.

Me: Do wishing wells even exist? I mean, why would there be a well - with a bucket - as if for hauling water - on the grounds of the country club or whatever? I'm beginning to question the believability of this film.

Eric: And Chester Cobblepot DIED before he got to the wishing well?

Me: Right. I mean, either this wishing well is of preposterously recent vintage or somehow you have to get through a warren of tunnels and a gauntlet of deadly traps BEFORE you come to a spot barely beneath the surface where there is already an entrance into the tunnels? This wishing well is worse than the giant octopus and the unexplained BREAKAWAY MOUNTAIN SIDE.

Eric: Chester Cobblepot didn't think to see if there was another entrance to the lagoon where Willie's pirate ship might be located? Maybe check the giant caves right off the beach first? I'll accept that The Goonies are born explorers that need absolutely no training, because they have childlike innocence guiding their way, but The Fratellis made it there faster than the kids, and they were pretty dumb villains. I would like to go on record and say that Mr. Cobblepot was the worst explorer of all time.

Me: So he was crushed by one of the big falling stones, right?
 
Eric: Yeah - by one of the hanging rocks.

Me: But he was crushed by only one of them. When the Goonies tripped that booby trap, all the stones fell. Why?

Eric: Hahaha. Because One Eyed Willie, see, he had this plan. He was like "Look, guys, I know we have a problem with the hanging rock trap; it rumbles and it takes a while for the stones to fall or whatever, so what we'll do is, we'll have a second tripwire that makes them all fall and the first trip wire will just make the one fall, okay?"

Me: But how come he didn't get out of the way in time? Maybe he was hard of hearing?

Eric: He was just the WORST explore. The WORST.

Me: Did they know all along they were looking for a ship? I don't remember. But if they did, then why did they have to start looking so far inland for a SHIP?

Eric: The Goonies is the worst movie I love.

Me: Also, was it SUPPOSED to be in Oregon? I mean, what pirate would sail all the way around Cape Horn and up the entire Pacific Coast of what was a barely colonized America and STILL feel like he needed to kill all of his men and hide his treasure behind an elaborate series of traps. They didn't even have anywhere to spend the gold. What was the point of all of this? I mean, OREGON?

Eric: I know we almost fell to our deaths at the bone piano, but QUICK, jump into this fast moving water chute! I have no idea where it leads, but I am sure it must be safe.
 
Me: Ugh.

Eric: Plus, what's up with Data's dad's camera invention? It does nothing except extend the camera in front of you at waist level so that you can't look in the viewfinder? But then the film falls out when he tries to take a picture? How did he screw that invention up?

Me: Not to mention the rather insidious suggestion that all children are just smaller versions of their parents. Do any of them have personalities or body types in any way distinct from their parents when we finally get a look at the families? Including Troy?
 
Eric: How long did Chunk's parents drive around with that Domino's pizza in their car just in case they found their son?

Me: Pinchers of Power always bothered me. No way does that invention have the strength to hold the weight of a falling kid.

Eric: Pinchers of PERIL. Data has engineered his inventions that way. Those chattering teeth are much stronger than your average chattering teeth.

Me: Pinchers of PERIL? Huh? I always thought he was saying "Pinchers of POWER." Does this make me a racist? Anyway, it isn't the chomping strength of the teeth I take issue with, it is the tensile strength of the slinky (and its attachment to the teeth). They should do a Mythbusters.
 
Eric: The slinky was dipped in titanium. Also, was Troy's dad just following around the parents as they desperately looked for their missing children, just waiting for the opportunity to have them sign away their home the very moment they actually managed to find them?

Me: Exactly. And how hard would it really have been to get a speedboat or something to, you know, pull up alongside the 300 YEAR OLD PIRATE SHIP SLOWLY FLOATING AWAY and collect all the gold they are so sad to have missed out on carrying away?

Eric: Yeah, are they just going to let that boat float away?

Me: And why was it so well lit inside all those caves? Shouldn't it have been very very dark? Inside the CAVES?

Eric: There were holes at the top of the cave that no one had ever thought to look into, Jeff.

Me: Oh, and somehow Troy's dad is buying the WHOLE TOWN? Or all of these families just happened to get their mortgages from Troy's dad for some reason? And they all live right next to one another? Because if they live kind of scattered over the whole town, how is Troy's dad gonna build whatever he is building simply by getting rid of these five houses?

Eric: He is building a golf course.

Me: But, I mean, unless every single house that now sits on the proposed golf course grounds got their mortgage from Troy's dad AND are in default AT THE SAME TIME, how can he build a golf course by foreclosing on the Goonies' houses? And why can't they refinance with a bank? They seem to have jobs, all of them.

Eric: And they have money enough to hire help.

Me: And a handful of jewels is enough to pay off ALL OF THE MORTGAGES? I think this movie is significantly overvaluing precious stones. I dunno.
 
Eric: . . .

Me: And it was sure nice of One Eyed Willie to, you know, grow old and die alone in an unlit and unheated cave in OREGON after killing all of his men, and then, all those years later, have the wherewithal to - right at the moment he felt he would die - climb into that chair and affix the last booby trap to himself and then manage to not move during his actual death. DEDICATION: YOU HAS IT!
 
Eric: . . .

Me: And why were his pirate minions so willing to spend YEARS of their lives in OREGON, away from liquor and women and pirating, surrounded by gold they couldn't spend on anything and working REALLY HARD every day, you know, carving giant rocks and suspending them from the ceilings of caves, designing and perfecting bone pianos, and carving BY HAND water chutes? Why weren't they like "FUCK THIS, let's go be pirates somewhere"?

Eric: They believed that Willie had a plan that made sense, Jeff.

Me: Look, I get that Willie has a Midas complex or whatever, but all of his men were okay with moving permanently to the uninhabited coast of Oregon? They heard his plan to wall in the ship behind a TOTALLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM NATURE breakaway rock wall and they went "Yup. What else would we do? Just normal pirate stuff, this."

Eric: He was very charismatic, was Willie.
 
Me: And why even make the traps survivable at all? If no one is ever supposed to get and spend this money, why make the piano function at all? Why not make every note you play drop you to your death? Did Willie have to go back and forth to the cave using the bone piano? Where was he going? Did he have to go through ALL of these booby traps every time? Including crawling UP the water chutes?

Eric: No, he just walked out one of the holes in the top of the cave. Or he climbed out of the wishing well.
 
Me: Ugh.

Eric: Remember when they glued the David's penis on upside down? That was funny.

Me: Because boners.

Eric: Why does Mikey know that it is his mother's "favorite part"? That's kinda creepy.
 
Me: How do you think we are supposed to feel about Rosalita?

Eric: We aren't. She is just the housekeeper. the Goonies are losing their homes. Rosalita's job is to make sure they are clean before they are knocked down. Who cares about Rosalita?

Me: I just mean that she is clearly portrayed as stupid for believing the things Mouth tells her, so are we laughing AT her when Mouth lies to her? Because why? I thought that scene was supposed to set up the fact that Mouth knows Spanish and that he is an ass. So why does it seem to be about how stupid Rosalita is?

Eric: Right. Mouth is supposedly translating what Mikey's mother is saying, yet Rosalita doesn't quit even after she hears the terms of her employment. I think Rosalita is in a very desperate situation.

Me: Right? But I think the movie wants you to laugh AT HER. That's awful. Like, Mouth is an ass, but you are also an ass, The Goonies. And Mikey's mom is so rude to her, too. Let's make a movie where Rosalita is the only one smart enough to hire a speedboat to go out to the pirate ship.

Eric: Why is Rosalita so quick to stop Mikey's dad (who she, presumably, believes has a torture room) from signing away his house? She only worked for them for one day and they threatened to beat her.

Me: AND, look, I don't know much about salvage rights or the rights of those who find historical treasure, but I am pretty sure that the State of Oregon owns those jewels. I feel sure, at least, that Troy's dad and his lawyers would fight about that in court and that the Goonies' parents would go broke from lawyers bills before they eventually lost that case. I don't think these saps are keeping their homes after all.
 
Eric: This movie has more holes than Blackburn, Lancashire.

iPod Roulette with Eric

The new thing I'm doing on this blog is interviewing the people I know along with their iPods. Basically, I have them put their iPod on shuffle and they tell me the first five songs that come up - no cheating. Then, they have to tell me something about those five songs, whether to justify them or to extol their virtues or whatever.

This week's subject is my friend Eric.

His first remark is in response to the magic voice that announces that the phone call is being recorded.

Eric: Hey, look at that, it tells me.

Jeff: Yeah, that's because it could be illegal to record you without you knowing in some states.

Eric: It didn't tell me earlier, the last time.

Jeff: That's because I started the recording before you picked up the phone.

Eric: So there's a way around it. I see. All right, you ready?

Jeff: Yeah. I guess the first thing to do is you put your iPod on shuffle - well, do you have your iPod in front of you?

Eric: Yes, I do.

Jeff: Okay, let's go; let's see what the first one is.

Eric: First song? It's doing it. It's thinking. It's a very slow thinker, my iPod.

Jeff: It's trying very hard to come up with something embarrassing.

Eric: Okay, this is 'Deja Vu' by Crosby Stills Nash & Young.

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: All right. So, then . . .

Jeff: Hold on, so now, while you let that play for a moment, I dunno, justify that. Extol its virtues.

Eric: Well, I mean, I can't listen to it because I'm not in the car, but my guess is that it's skipping uncontrolably because I - this was one of the first CDs I ever owned.

Jeff: When would that have been?

Eric: That would have been in the early nineties. Because Crosby Stills & Nash was the first concert I ever went to--

Jeff: Really?

Eric: --and the first backstage.

Jeff: Really? You went backstage at the first concert you ever went to?

Eric: Yup, my parents bought that for me.

Jeff: Where was this?

Eric: This was up at Deer Valley.

Jeff: Did you meet any of them?

Eric: I got to meet Crosby and Stills, and Stills gave me his pick, and I still have it.

Jeff: Is that true?

Eric: Yeah, it's true.

Jeff: Do you use it when you play guitar?

Eric: No, no. It's just sitting in a box.

Jeff: I mean, I wouldn't put it in your mouth or anything when you're tuning the guitar, but it's cool to have. I guess.

Eric: I also have a guitar pick from Earl Slick from my fucking Rock Camp days.

Jeff: (Laughter) I forgot about Rock Camp. That's great. See, if you had your own blog I would really advise you to write about Rock Camp.

Eric: (Laughter) So this comes from that. And it skips uncontrolably, so I can't really listen to it. The only reason I imported it was because it was one of the first CDs I ever had.

Jeff: So it has only sentimental value.

Eric: Yeah, it has only sentimental value. And it does nothing but upset me.

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: In fact, I'm looking at it right now and it's just stopped - at a minute-thirty. It's not going anywhere.

Jeff: (Laughter) Great. Okay, so skip ahead. let's go to the next one.

Eric: Okay. Next one. Allright. It's really going through some great ones now. 'Rapper's Delight' by the Sugarhill Gang.

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: You know, it's like, usually my shuffle I can trust, but this time not so much.

Jeff: (Laughter) So muse for me about 'Rapper's Delight.' Is that the only Sugarhill Gang song you have?

Eric: No. I also have, uh, 'Showdown.' All right, so 'Rapper's Delight'--

Jeff: Correct me if I'm wrong but you, at one point, could do the whole song.

Eric: Yeah, I could. Look, I don't really know what to say about 'Rapper's Delight' that hasn't been said by elderly women in the Wedding Singer already.

Jeff: (Laughter) All right, fair enough. I think you've covered that. Okay, skip ahead. What've you got?

Eric: Get to the next one. Okay, we've got 'Torture', by the Replacements off All Shook Down. Finally a song worth talking about, although not my favorite off that album. So, uh . . .

Jeff: I don't think I have that album even.

Eric: Actually, the Replacements were introduced to me by you.

Jeff: Is that true?

Eric: Yeah, yeah. You played something off--

Jeff: Something off--

Eric: Let it Be.

Jeff: Yeah, I was gonna say: something off Let it Be, yeah.

Eric: Yeah, Let it Be. And my first reaction was, uh, you played - God, what'd you play?

Jeff: I dunno.

Eric: You played one song that reminded me of 'Ooh That Smell,' and I got very upset.

Jeff: (Laughter) That's what hooked you. 'Ooh That Smell.'

Eric: "Ooh That Smell."

Jeff: "The smell of what's around you."

Eric: Is that Foreigner?

Jeff: Who sings that song? No, no.

Eric: What song am I thinking of, off Let it Be? I can't remember. But anyway, so that was my first impression. So I immediately--

Jeff: And you immediately wanted it.

Eric: And then (Laughter), and then I listened to the first track off Let it Be, what's it called?

Jeff: Um, 'I Will Dare'? Is that what it's called?

Eric: 'I Will Dare.' Yeah. 'I Will Dare,' which is one of my favorite songs now.

Jeff: It is a great song, yeah.

Eric: And I decided to buy all the Replacements albums and this last one was, I believe it was the last official Replacements album and one of their best, I think it's a great--

Jeff: Really? I don't even have that one. Maybe I should buy it.

Eric: It's great, so . . .

Jeff: All right. So skip ahead. What have you got next?

Eric: So four, 'The Gash' by the Flaming Lips off the Soft Bulletin. To be honest with you, I don't know what 'The Gash' - I mean I know that album, but I only listen to it as an album so I'm not sure which song 'The Gash' is.

Jeff: Yeah, to tell you the truth, I don't remember what song that might be either and I've, you know, I've listened to that album a mess of times.

Eric: I don't even know what to say about that. Okay, so the Soft Bulletin is a great progressive rock-bullshit-pretentious-idiot (Laughter) for a bunch of hippies and all that shit, but it's great.

Jeff: (Laughter) Okay. All right. Fair enough. Last one, here we go.

Eric: All right, last song.

Jeff: Oh I hope it comes up with a good one for me.

Eric: Oooooh, you're gonna like this.

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: 'Of Wolf and Man,' I hate that these have to represent me--

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: 'Of Wolf and Man' by Metallica, off the Black Album.

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: Now this is actually, okay, this is interesting--

Jeff: Because it is, in fairness, and I'm saying this on the record just so I have to write it down later, this is so not you.

Eric: I know, exactly. But here, this actually is interesting. I will talk about this. So I have a very interesting relationship with the band Metallica. This is a band that I came full circle on. Or, I still haven't come full circle on, I'm working at it - I'm going to group sessions to try to figure it out. But, when Metallica first came out I hated it. I told everybody how awful it is. This is a running theme, the Replacements too, although I fucking love the Replacements now. And this album in particular, the Black Album, I once said was the worst album to come out of the nineties.

Jeff: Wow. That's--Wow, that's a strong--

Eric: It's a tall claim.

Jeff: --statement.

Eric: But this was back in the day when the only people who lisitened to this album were the behind the scenes crew at theatre productions, and (Laughter) I thought it was just fucking noisy cock-rock. And now, I - actually, after a long time, it started to grow on me a little bit, I started to get nostalgic for it a little bit - 'Enter Sandman,' 'The Unforgiven,' and all the, you know, angels and fairies and all the crap that comes with it.

Jeff: (Laughter)

Eric: I don't know why heavy metal artists like to sing about the gayest shit on earth, but they seem to--

Jeff: Because they are all Dungeons and Dragons people.

Eric: Right, (Laughter) and I ended up buying this album a year ago, I never owned it--

Jeff: You bought this, you bought this in 2007?

Eric: Yup.

Jeff: That is weird. That is weird.

Eric: Yeah, so I finally--

Jeff: I mean, not because I think it's so horrible or anything, but it's odd that it would be in your consciousness at all.

Eric: I'd been thinking about it for a long time. And actually, the reason I bought it was because of my girlfriend, Stacey, who I believe is a closet metalhead, although she won't admit it.

Jeff: Well there is, there's an overlap there between the kind of closet gothiness and the closet--

Eric: Yeah, she really liked Metallica back in the day, but she won't admit it. I bought it when we had a trip to Palm Springs . . .

Jeff: Because nothing says Metallica like Palm Springs.

Eric: And we ended up listening to it the entire time, so it will always remind me of--

Jeff: Of Palm Springs? (Laughter) Ah, Bob Hope would be proud.

Eric: Which is good, because then, that's better than it reminding me of that fat kid who used to, you know, pull up the backdrop in high school plays.

Jeff: (Laughter) So I'm gonna give you one last thing, which is that I'm going to give you an alternate. What do wish had popped up that didn't?

Eric: Oh come on. There're a million things. All right. I wish that, uh, I'm trying to think of something really obscure (Laughter).

Jeff: (Laughter) which says more about you than whatever you're gonna actually say.

Eric: Right. (Laughter) I wish that . . . uh . . . let me think, just gimme a second. Since I totally blew it with what actually came up I gotta think of a really good one. Uhhh, I'm trying to think of the most obscure song I can think of. Okay, I wish that 'Vaccum Boots' by the Brian Jonestown Massacre had come up.

Jeff: (Laughter) Did you just scan through your whole iPod trying to find that?

Eric: (Laughter) Yeah. I am just trying to find something obscure and to look cooler than you.

END.

The Endless Breakfast

At yet another in that long, unbroken series of latenight meals with Chris and Eric that marked that great lost period of our lives, Chris had removed his shoes and would periodically (for emphasis or for the pleasure of the sound itself) bang them down on the tabletop. When other patrons glanced in our direction with curiosity or pity, frustration or amusement, Chris would respond with some typically understated bon mot. My favorite was “What? That’s the way I do it!” but the frequent ejaculatory and self-congratulatory shouts of “Comedy Gold!” were also welcome.

When the waitress came to insist that we be quiet lest she be forced to ask us to leave, Chris assented readily to her request and even promised a generous tip for her trouble. As she walked away, he turned to us and said - at a volume impossible for her not to overhear - “Just because she’s heavyset doesn’t mean we have to listen to her.”

Eric, perhaps aware of the awkwardness of the situation even through his inebriated haze, slid under the table and out the other side. He stumbled to the restroom, where, if he is to be believed, he peed in the sink, but vomited in the urinal.

Another time, Eric had a plate of hashbrowns sent to another table where two rather homely girls were sitting. After asking the obvious question of the waiter, they followed the answering index finger and looked over at our table. I smiled sheepishly. Eric sat drunk and stony-faced, unable to focus his gaze, and Chris raised his fork in salute and smiled broadly.

Later, when Eric (more sober now) noticed that the girls had never touched his gifted hashbrowns, he arose huffily and walked over to their table, snatched the plate from them with a snort and returned to our booth, where he ravenously devoured the unwanted and now cold hashed browns.

There were other nights and other diners and other pancakes and other friends. Those days have become, for me, the watered down and unproductive reflections of echoes of the Lost Generation’s café nights – a moveable feast that I barely registered passing by.

Had I known, I would have paid more attention.

Property Law is for the Birds

I am supposed to be reading for Property. Chiara came upstairs and seemed very suspicious.

I am banking on her still imperfect English to have made her rapid identification of pornography hidden on a tab at the bottom of a computer screen (and masked by an overlaid CNN.com) all but impossible.

To distract her I did a kind of a dance in my chair. I threw small objects at her playfully and told her to leave me alone so I could finish my studying. I told her if she would leave me alone I would finish my reading and then we could watch The Birds, which I rented today.

Later, while Tippi is in the phone booth, I will confess all of this and laugh and laugh.

I learned that from you, Eric.