The 12 Different Dipping Sauces

My friend Lara is in West Virginia for the summer and she emailed to tell me about the preposterous restaurants she finds there.

One of them offers breaded and fried macaroni and cheese bites.

(!)

There is a sign at this place that advertises "12 Different Dipping Sauces" and they have this touchscreen monitor from which you select the sauces you would like with your order.

(eww)

In any event, I have discovered that I cannot seem to think of 12 different dipping sauces. I don't know if I am just inexperienced or if I am not trying hard enough or what, but I cannot seem to get past seven or eight plausible dipping sauces.

Therefore, a contest:

I have asked several of my friends to send me their very best guesses at the 12 different dipping sauces and, after all responses are in, I will post them here. Then, Lara will let us know who had the most accurate list and she will buy that person a t-shirt from a West Virginia gas station that reads "COAL" in big white letters on the front.

So.

On The Road With Lara IV

More billboard sirens from the road:

Lara: "I just missed a goldmine opportunity. For miles and miles there were these signs advertising some sex shop called 'The Lion's Den' and then, when I finally got to the exit you'd take if you were going there, there was this big sign with Jesus on it that read

'JESUS SAVES PORNOGRAPHY KILLS'.

Kills who? Kills how? Seriously?"

Me: "You should have gotten out of the car and put a comma between 'Pornography' and 'Kills'."

On The Road With Lara III

So I guess she's back on the highway, still passing through Kansas. Our text exchange:

Lara: "Saw a billboard advertising the world's largest prairie dog; didn't stop."

Me: "You've made the biggest mistake of your life. When everything crumbles around you someday, remember that, when you came to this fork in the path, you chose NOT to stop and see the giant prairie dog."

Lara: "Well, but I don't think it was a real prairie dog; the billboard advertised it as being 800 lbs."

Me: "Lame. I would much have preferred to see just like a twenty five pound prairie dog."

Lara: "Yeah. Just one the size of a large cat. I would have died laughing."

On The Road With Lara II

So she stopped at a truckstop or something and texted me. I asked her to describe the place and its denizens:

"A whole bunch of morbidly obese white people in white sneakers with white socks. Alternatively, Crocs."

"There is an elderly homosexual couple in matching outfits (red shirts tucked into short white shorts) arguing over the fish tartar sandwich from Hardee's. The older of the two is wearing black loafers with white socks."

"There is a Hardee's and a Taco Bueno and a Kemp's Pizza. It is hot as balls and a fat lady, chewing with her mouth open, is looking at me disapprovingly."

On The Road With Lara

My friend Lara is driving across the country this week, on her way to West Virginia. She texted me from the road:

"I have decided that the only reason the speed limit in Kansas is 70 miles per hour is that, if I was to roll off of the freeway, the only thing that would stop me from just coasting forever would be one of these anti-abortion billboards."