Thursday, July 5, 2012

You're Edward Kelley, She's Madimi

A Conversation Between Myself And Two Small Children At A Fourth Of July BBQ

Small Child # 1: "What are you drinking?"

Me: "Campari and Orange Juice."

Small Child # 1: "Is Campari alcohol?"

Me: "It is; it's a kind of Italian bitters."

Small Child # 1: "Is the orange juice because it tastes bad without it?"

Me: "I wouldn't say bad, but it's kind of bitter and the orange juice is kinda sweet, and it's, like a lot of things, kind of an acquired taste, so."

Small Child # 2: "My dad eats bad dreams!"

Me: "Your dad eats bad dreams? what is he, some kind of psychic vampire? that's terrifying."

Small Child # 2: "He eats bad dreams and then he eats alcohol!"

Small Child # 1: "You can't eat alcohol, not unless you freeze it or something."

Me: "Or make it into jello, I guess."

Small Child # 1: "And anyway, nobody drinks just alcohol."

Me: "Sure they do. I do."

Small Child # 1: "But I heard alcohol is poison."

Me: "Well, yeah, it is. That's sorta how it works, actually."

Small Child # 1 (with incredulous look on his face): "So it's a poison? That makes you feel happy."

Me: " . . . That's . . . well, actually that's exactly what it is, yes."

Small Child # 2: "My dad eats bad dreams and alcohol and then he turns it into jello and puts it in his hair and then he eats his hair!"

Me: "Your dad may have an eating disorder called 'Pica'"

Small Child # 2: "And he's SO STINKY!!"

Me: "It's hardly surprising, considering his diet."

Watermelon Disappointment Sounds Like A Progrock Band

Grocery Store - Interior - Day - The Fourth of July

Cashier: "Picking up a watermelon for the big BBQ, huh?"

Me: "Yup. I hope it turns out to be a good one. I don't really know what I'm doing, picking out watermelons; I just sort of slap them and listen to the sound for some reason. I don't even know what I'm listening for."

Cashier: "Looks like a good one to me!"

Me: "So watermelons come from the Sahara Desert. They grew naturally around oases, buried in the sand. Arab traders used to gather them up and load their saddle bags up with them to take across the desert. Isn't that wonderful?"

Cashier: "Noooooooo, it isn't!"